Stinky Pinky: Or how to become a lesbian in 34 years

Stinky Pinky: Or how to become a lesbian in 34 years

( 12:08 PM ) Fat Bitch
I went back to check..it's only been two weeks. She got fired only two weeks ago. But I'm getting panicky.
It's really none of my concern. Cyn does not live here. She is not paying any of my bills. Why am I getting all weird about her being unemployed?

Because of Whitney.
Because of what happened with her.

When Whit and I first moved here...she was unemployed for the first six months of our residence. I was paying (or trying to pay) all of our bills on a librarian's salary. I had gotten that job within two weeks. And she just sat there. On her ass.. for six months. I got angrier and angrier at her...
Finally, after those 6 months I blew up and demanded she get a job.

But...Cyn is not Whit. The situation is not the same. It really is not my concern.
So then, why is it making me so crazy?

#

( 8:18 AM ) Fat Bitch
I won 70 bucks in the FL lotto. Hurray for me. #

( 10:22 PM ) Fat Bitch
Florida was fun. The play was good, the visit with assorted relatives went well, and the sex was fantastic. Ya know, in case you were interested.

I'm still having a difficult time adjusting to having a g/f that likes sex. I'm beside myself, terrified that my demands will become too much. But so far...all she has done is meet them. And be slightly amused/amazed at my stamina.

Like tonight (she just left after dinner and a movie), she was so sweet. She actually asked me if we could "make out".
See, a couple of weeks ago I was feeling oh...I dunno...icky about some things from my past. And occasionally some current events trigger icky memories and feelings.
So, I asked Cyn to NOT engage me in sexual play if she could not spend the night.
If she was just coming for dinner or somesuch other thing...but had to return home the same evening..then NO NOOKIE. I feel a bit sad...or something like it when I am left after the loving. Like "back then" when my patrons left a tip on the nightstand.
I'm tired of feeling whorish. I wanna feel loved. Cherished. Cyn makes me feel that way.
But tonight was different for some reason. I went back on my own desires. She whispered, "I can't stay...tell me when to stop".
The very fact that she gave me the permission to stop her...that I had the power...
well...made it all okay. so we made love. And she left.
And I am sad. Butnot because I feel whorish. But just cause she's not here.

Is it not sorta the same thing?

#

( 9:19 PM ) Fat Bitch
I'm taking Cyn to meet mom and dad this weekend, and to see the play my step sister Ashley is in. Cross your fingers, kids.

It could be an interesting jaunt. #

( 8:48 PM ) Fat Bitch
She came. I needed her and She came. Here. To hold me.

That ladies and gentlemen is a first. I am always the one flying off to rescue somebody hurting. This time...I got the rescue.

Maybe this time love won't suck. Maybe. #

( 3:29 AM ) Fat Bitch
Yep, still nauseous. But getting angry too.

The first child I gave up because I was too young.
And it was awful, and scary and, painful, and .....and.....and....

There was NO fucking way I was going to go through that again.

If I had kept both, I would have a 17 year old son and a 14 year old something.
I can barely take care of my self. How the hell would I raise two kids?
#

( 8:42 PM ) Fat Bitch
Shame makes me nauseous. Honest to goodness-I'm gonna throw up kinda nauseous.

Vivian and I have been working on shame, here lately. Gotten through it without blowing chunks so far. But leave it to Cyn to uncover shame I didn't even know I had. I'm not even paying her to delve deep into my psyche.
We were having semi-intense conversation tonight. Touched a little on Larry and some other "highlights" from my illustrious past. Nothing too deep. Nothing too painful.

We talked a teeny tiny bit about my fear of love and intimacy...and she assured me constantly through the conversation that I have nothing to worry about. She loves me and she's not going anywhere blahblahblah

Then she asked me if I had ever murdered anyone (twitch). No. I've never murdered anyone. Just the one marriage? Yes, Just the one.
Just the one child? ummmmm (twitch) long pause...............

yeah....

the pause was too long.

Have you had an abortion.

Say goodnight now, Cyn.

Have you ever had an abortion.

Say goodnight.

And now? She knows.

I've never hid it. Well. Not when directly asked. Not when cornered...

And I always thought that it was no big deal. I've always told myself that. In my head.
It was no big deal. So....

Where's the shame coming from? Why do I need to throw up? #

( 9:55 AM ) Fat Bitch
Got a call. woke me from a dead sleep. It was Cyn. She just got fired.

Can it get any better than this?

#

( 6:04 AM ) Fat Bitch
I'm late with my house payment, my car is still not working right, insurance and tag are due, car payment is due, and Whitney needs me to fly to OKC and pick up the car that has both our names on the promissary note, because she can't make the payments.

I feel fucking paralyzed. #

( 6:34 AM ) Fat Bitch
I did not ask her "why" she loved me. Her reasons are her own.
But I did ask her how she knew she loved me. An entirely different question.

Her answer? perfect....

I know that ...I love you because you make me happy. I am happy when I am with you. I am happy when I talk to you. I smile when I think of you. And I think of you all the time. I know I love you because I feel so comfortable and content with you. I know I love you because I am letting you in more than I have let anyone in. I trust you with my heart. If that's not love, I don't know what is.
Cyn #

( 12:01 PM ) Fat Bitch
A note from Charles. Now I understand what you mean, dear. Thanks for clearing it up for me.

You are wonderful. You have to be, because talking to you, my friend, makes me feel wonderful. THAT"S what I was trying to tell you. So, as I'm afraid I so succinctly put it...Un-fuck yourself, and allow the new life that's awaiting you to emerge. Don't limit yourself in your thinking. You're too much of an inspiration to me for that.
Go out, and be amazing.
I'm counting on you.
With love,
Charles
#

( 12:52 PM ) Fat Bitch
I cannot get motivated today. All I have done is nap and eat. I'm like a bear getting ready for hibernation.
I need to get the lawn raked and mowed, laundry done, sheets changed, bathtub faucet fixed, and clean out the work room. But jeesh...I'm still in my pajamas.
I need a wife. #

Your silence will not protect you (Audre Lord)