Stinky Pinky: Or how to become a lesbian in 34 years

Stinky Pinky: Or how to become a lesbian in 34 years

( 2:33 PM ) Fat Bitch
Last Thursday I spent the night with Cyn. Neither one of us has found our socks yet.
I get home and find that Carol is feeling both understanding...and primal....
She understands that I need "my wheels greased", as she puts it. But she also feels that I am hers...no one else can have me. When I read that...my knees went weak.

So now, here I am rubber kneed and sockless.

#

( 11:23 AM ) Fat Bitch
Extremely important advice for first dates:

Never say "I love you" in a hotel room. It's as tacky as the comforter on the bed. #

( 11:23 AM ) Fat Bitch
anonymous says: hi I read your profile
i reply: thank you
anonymous says: Scarlett O'Hara wannabe?
I reply: yes I am in training
anonymous asks: so, that means you are a bitch?

I reply: sometimes. however Scarlett was not always a bitch. she simply lived by this rule...
do what you gotta do to get what you wanna get. this does not always require being a bitch. i have found that, persuasion and seduction with a dash of haughty coquettishness usually work EVER so much better than being a bitch.

Surely you would agree? #

( 8:41 AM ) Fat Bitch
This is my life.

I am juggling chainsaws, blindfolded, with one arm tied behind my back while balancing on a pole over a shark tank while very angry rednecks throw rotten fruit at my head.

Well. Okay. Maybe it's not quite that intense. But close.

Wherever to start?

I met Cynthia for lunch yesterday. In the space of an hour we went from casual friendly flirting to beginning an affair.

In the interest of history I would like to add here, one note. The beginnings of "relationships" fascinate me. For me...It usually only takes one well thought out sentence to lure me in. Cynthia's well thought out sentence was this....

She looked across the table...catching and holding my eye and said...
" I assume this is alright with you. "

Well okay...we have not yet begun.
But apparently we are going to. Tomorrow.
I'm still not sure exactly how I got myself into this. But she is attractive in a strictly vanilla sort of way, and seems quite sweet. As long as she knows the rules...I think it will be okay.
I tell myself that it's just til Carol and I consummate our relationship. I'm of the mind that once that is done...I won't want anyone else.
BUT I think what I'm afraid of there...with Carol...is this....
Once that is done...I won't want anyone else....EVER.

Carol and I briefly (very briefly) discussed the possibility of emotional entanglement.
Surely she is wise enough and experienced enough to know that it is a foregone conclusion. We have become close. And as much as she'd like to believe that we are merely distractions for one another...I know that for me...it has already gone farther than just lust. I trust her. I feel close to her...Neither of these come easily.
The only icepick stabbing me in the heart is this....
what if I'm not good enough?

And then of course, there is Miss Whit.
She based an entire scavenger hunt on the Stephanie Plum series last night, with clues and prizes, ...all culminating in a lovely dinner out last night. It was clever, and fun...and so very sweet.
I am a cad.

So................I ALSO talk to Lynn yesterday about the therapy thing and missing Viv's appointment, and getting in to see this new doctor Deborah Gross, and (whine) I don't wanna take any meds.
I know for a fact that I have gone full blown and I'm just barely hanging on the roller coaster...but I don't care. WHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
#

( 4:13 PM ) Fat Bitch
I had absolutely the very best time yesterday.
Very close to the entire family got together at Candy's for Mama and Papa's 60th wedding anniversary party. I only knew about half of them. But the ones I did know....God, it was so great to see them. Stacen and Mark and their two...Shannon, and Donald and their brood of four, Dickie, Linda, Mike and Todd...Al and his new wife Jo....Kay and her new fiance' and family...Mary Anne and her crew, Gina and hers....and scores of others I recognized, but wouldn't have known except for the family resemblences.
As the priest read a blessing over Mama and Papa...they sat holding hands, and Mama cried. They looked like they were still so in love after all these years. I know there was not a dry eye in the house.
Afterwards, I took the girls (Saleeta and Ashley) out to the mall for a girl's evening out.
OMG I had so much fun with those two. I was in stitches all evening.
Truly those two have come into their own...and I so enjoyed their company.
I called Cynthia to join us for ice cream and coffee, and the four of us sat giggling like goofballs til very very late. Then Saleeta gets this idea to call Dad and Sandy and tell them where we are. Ashley, being the drama queen she is did, the acting bit.
Instead of telling our respective parents that they are safe and sound with their very responsible adult step-sister...Ashley told them, per Saleeta's instructions, that I had left them sitting outside a bar, while I went in to see a "friend" inside. Ash told them that Saleeta had gone in to look for me, and that there were NO men in the bar.
Sandy (step-mom) thought for a split second that I had lured her two lovely and innocent daughters to a GAY bar. WE all broke out into fits of giggles as my dad got on the line to tell them to sit still...he was on his way to get them.
I just knew I had gotten them, and myself in deep doo doo...but all was well by the light of day.
I'm surprised the three of us, including my 34 year old self, did not get grounded.

#

( 11:28 AM ) Fat Bitch
Why, oh why, do I do this to myself?
I get enmeshed doing some research on Stone Butch Women, transgender studies, and the different defining lines of lesbian women...and now look at me. I'm a mess.
My head hurts...I'm back to being stuck in a corner with my own lack of self definition.

I have to ask...knowing that there is no right answer...
Does anyone really know who they are?

All I was trying to do was find a way into Carol's mind, heart...bed. KNOWING the whole time that in doing so, I am violating our agreement. JUST SEX.
....so I go anyway...looking up information. Reading, learning.

And since there is no actual BLACK and WHITE definiton of anything...my mind goes all fuzzy. I hate that.

I acknowledge that I LOVE butch women.
I acknowledge that the harder they are, the harder I fall.
I acknowledge that a free fall onto STONE is going to to hurt.

But I can't stop.

#

( 7:52 AM ) Fat Bitch
I think the whole "brutal" thing is over. We seem to be back to normal.
Yet again, playing volley porn...her response to my taunting resulted in the most FABULOUS of her writings to date. She was dead on. Every word could have been scripted from my own fantasy. EVERY word.

She seemed amused that I would want to take a copy to Vivian. But I need something to show Vivian-not as a defintion, like I told Carol last night. There's something more to my wanting Vivian to see it. I guess I want Viv to read it and realize...oh..I don't know....
That my "needs" are becoming more, uh...concentrated? That I want to push harder, go farther. Be more at risk. Feel more pain. What I don't understand is my reasoning behind feeling that Viv needs to know.

I guess I get the feeling that this time, It's bigger. There is more at stake in this dalliance than the others. Heck, if I wanted what I had before, I'd take Will up on his offer to restart the affair of 3 years ago. He's been pushing for it. I've been ignoring him.
He offers nothing but child's play. I'm tired of playing.

I want to feel.

#

( 7:11 PM ) Fat Bitch
Okay. It's not so bad, this request of hers. Now that I have enlisted a cohort in crime to do the deed. Funny, (almost)...that for one person to see me bare...another has to undress me.
(so to speak)

I'm over the fear of her opinion. What will his be?

#

( 3:11 AM ) Fat Bitch
My stomach is in knots. Two days now. I can't stand having her angry at me.
I can feel it...
And what she has asked in payment...

I'd rather pay in blood.

For the first time,
I'm realizing that I really do not have a choice.

She says I need to take the risk.
And shes' right. I need to show her I can trust her. I need to show her I do not doubt her. Here is my first hurdle. Learn to trust.
#

( 6:05 PM ) Fat Bitch
There once was a little girl
that had little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.

And when she was good,
she was very very good,
But when she was bad, she was horrid.

I was horrid to her last night.
Doubting her. Even for that split second...questioning her power.

And so now, I pay.

Dearly.
#

( 6:42 AM ) Fat Bitch
Carol and I talked a couple of weeks ago about trust/intimacy. I meant to rush to my computer and blog about it...but realized I needed to stew on it a bit.
She said that the level of trust/intimacy in a D/s relationship is greater than your average vanilla relationship. I tend to agree.
Physically, it goes without saying. One person is literally putting their life into the hands of another. Here, take me...take all that I am. But it goes deeper than just the physical.
In D/s...there is an exchange of power. A release of self. A release seldom seen in any other relationship.
And though D/s relationships tend to start out on a purely physical level...
the emotions involved become overwhelming. The ties become deep and abiding.
Intimacy is concentrated to its purest form.

Viv and I were talking once about the outcome of my therapy. I asked her, why am I here? What is my goal? What is it that I am searching for and will find at the end of this long journey?

Her response?

Intimacy. #

( 6:32 AM ) Fat Bitch
We were talking this morning about turning vanilla. I take a certain amount of wicked pride in knowing that I've turned a few from the vanilla path. The "chosen few" found the same joy that I have in exploring the darker side of sexuality. There's just something amazing about watching someone turn. Sweet, gentle lovers find out that though vanilla is lovely and has it's place...
there is nothing quite like the discovery of something MORE.
They find out that there something inherently dangerous about sex itself.
And not just sex.
Love is also that way. Dangerous.
#

( 2:39 PM ) Fat Bitch
I'm sitting here like an idiot, waiting for her to come online. Do I really have it that bad?
There's only a hundred other things I need to be doing...and all I can think of is her.
My lovely g/f is asleep in the next room. My yard needs mowing, I need to go grocery shopping. I could do some laundry , or go to Beebee's.
But no...
I wanna talk to her.
Jeesh. #

( 9:36 AM ) Fat Bitch
I had a naughty dream about E-girl, night before last. I woke up feeling very guilty.
Not because I was having sex dreams about her. Actually that was rather pleasant , as I wish I had had the opportunity in real life. No, my guilt stems from the way I just dropped her like a hot rock when her evil g/f came back into the picture.
I told her, I love you...but I can't just sit and watch while Caprice kills you like this...slowly steadily....like a virus. And I couldn't. I couldn't watch.
It's been about a year. And I miss her. I miss her friendship. She was so easy to love.
Simple, unassuming...never asking too much. She was just E-girl.
I am mourning that loss.
#

( 5:05 PM ) Fat Bitch
Fairy tales get people in trouble. Girls mostly.
We are taught, by these tales, that the princess is always beautiful...the prince always handsome. No matter what we princesses do...that prince will get us out of it.
Be it dragons, or witches, wolves, or whatever....that darned prince will be there.
Slaying that dragon or whuppin that witch...he will come to our rescue.
Even worse, these farily tales tell us this....
Happily Ever After.
We princesses and our princes will live and love and just be freaking giddy for the rest of our lives. No matter what.

But what happens when the prince never shows up. Or worse...he shows up and he's a dud. What happens when we princesses think that the serving wench is kind of hot...and we wouldn't mind all that much if SHE came to our rescue.
Or even worse than that....
Our sweet, innocent, lovely, princess selves find that that evil witch is pretty damned sexy...and we would MUCH rather have her do mean, evil, cruel things to us, than ever be some prince's breeding mare... happily ever after be damned.

What then? HUh ? What then? #

( 8:03 PM ) Fat Bitch
Carol says that I make her want to better than she has ever been before.
I know that she means it in a strictly sexual sense...but gee....
I don't think I've ever been anyone's inspiration before.

She takes my breath away.

What I have yet to figure out is this...

When she writes for me...or speaks in a sensual manner....she seems to know EXACTLY what I need to hear at any given moment. She says it's kismet. I think it's deeper than that. Is it possible that there is a link there that defies explanation?
Oh... I know that D/s- wise...there are "standard lines"...not unlike pick up lines in a singles bar. But somehow...this feels... different. Like she can pick my little brain and know what I need to hear at that instant.
Tim was always good at that too...but......
Well that's a whole different kettle of whips...oops I meant fish. Yeah. kettle of fish.
Maybe the difference is gender. Now I am being hunted by one of my own kind, so to speak. I am seeing the strength I seek in a woman. I am aroused by the power in female form, rather than male.
All I'm sure of , is that she is as intoxicating as the sea air....
And sea air makes me hungry too.

#

( 6:03 PM ) Fat Bitch
Somebody VERY sweet wrote this about my writing.
I send him kisses and an IOU for a signed copy of my first book.

Something I have noticed is that you have an extremely pleasant writing style.
Humorfull without being idiotic, intelligent without appearing omnipotent, strong without being overbearing...
You may think that sounds easy, but it really isn't. Writing finesse is sometimes learned, but it comes to some naturally.
You have a natural gift.

Thanks Rudy. #

      ( 10:07 AM ) Fat Bitch
Another poem....
I keep finding them...hidden in musty old notebooks...folded and stuck in flaps

I know who this one was for...but I'm not telling.

It has come time to end
What never was begun
To cleave apart the two
That had never became one

With no promise made
there is none to be broken
this last truth said
ne'er a lie was spoken

but with nothing left to say
there is nothing left to feel
it came down to this
neither one of us is real #

      ( 9:59 AM ) Fat Bitch
It has occurred to me that I have never been single. Since the moment I could date (and even before), I have had a steady...or a live-in. Even when things started going downhill with that steady or live-in, there was somebody waiting in the shadows, ready to take over once the main competition was eliminated. I do not know how to be alone.

I have apparently based all my worth on being with someone, being wanted by someone, being needed by someone, being desired by someone. Anyone, more like.
This is a cold hard reality.
Can I find it in myself to be alone? Could I bear it? #

      ( 9:51 AM ) Fat Bitch
I talked to Rudy online last night. He inisists that all I need in my life to make it right is a big ole slice of Rudy pie. I have found that typing laughter is not nearly as scathing as a good guffaw in person. #

      ( 8:16 PM ) Fat Bitch
I keep putting off making an appointment with Vivian. I know if I do go in there after NOT making an appointment through EAP to see a psychiatrist, then she 'll be on me.

I made the mistake last time seeing her, telling her that she was probably right in the diagnosis of my being cyclothemic. ( psychological gobbledygook for "moody").
Last time I saw her I was having some mania probs...all dealing around the ever present fear/confusion/dismay about Whitney. Everytime I ponder my life with and /or without her...I get freaked out. Bad.
And there's other shit too. Work stress is at an all time high...
We're short handed...and the temperatures out there are ungodly.

Luckily family junk is nice and quiet...otherwise I'd go to bed and not get up.
Gotta use this manic energy for good while it lasts.
Cause a down turn is sure to come.
If only there was a way to keep the high...and not lose it #

      ( 9:07 AM ) Fat Bitch
And Carol says I'm distracting?

She wrote this the other night....

It's our dance dear...
I know the steps
You tease
I threaten
You tease
I deliver
You fall into me
I catch you
I strip you bare
You cloak yourself in my desire.

Now how am I supposed to pay attention to anything with that running through my head? #

      ( 8:44 AM ) Fat Bitch
Several people have mentioned that I would be dangerous if I was single.
Carol says, "What, you're not dangerous now?"
ROFLMAO #

      ( 8:11 AM ) Fat Bitch
Wisdom from MOM:

When BeBe called to tell me Gene had left my response to her was.........you
may not realize it now but it is the best thing that ever happened to you.
It was one of the most joyous moments of my life. The sad part of divorce
is that the prince and princess did not live happily ever after. Life, just
ain't a bed or roses, and there is nothing we can do to reduce the thorns to
"0". We just waste a lot of time and effort trying to change things that
can't be changed by one person. ...... it takes two and two don't usually
see eye to eye.

So,
Love
MOM

I had wriiten an e-mail to her, with my thoughts on Barry's impending divorce.
Funny, when she and Daddy were getting ready to divorce, that I felt the same way she felt and her mother and Father splitting up. That it would be the best thing that ever happened to her.
Why is it that meeting someone you fall head over heels with, it seems like the best thing to ever happen to you...then some time elapses...and then, their leaving is now seems the best thing? #

      ( 11:26 PM ) Fat Bitch
Skived off work early. Couldn't handle just sitting there. The only bright spot was Carol calling. But even that wasn't enough to make the next 8 hours fly...so here I am with nearly negative vacation hours left. Pffft. I don't care.
My foot still hurts...and I'd rather whine about it at home than at work.
Whine whine whine. #

      ( 12:08 PM ) Fat Bitch
I had forgotten all about Darren putting this on his BLOG.
I had to steal it Darren....sorry.
signed the Mystrious Miss X

Wanted: 1 Lesbian (at least)
I was visiting with a friend, we'll call her Miss X, and she was lamenting on how she was having a hard time finding other lesbians to flirt with.

Well, being the stand up fella I am, I volunteered to help her out. So, here is her want ad:

Non single sexual submissive semi-lesbian sorta looking for butch girlies to sweep me off my feet and wants to be hog-tied by one who knows knots for nastymaking - having own lash a plus.

OK, I don't know what half those terms mean, and I don't wanna know! But if you are interested, e-mail me directly with your thoughts about her personal ad. I will forward them to Miss X. She may or may not reply, as she is totally embarrassed that I am doing this!

Again send me an e-mail, don't post it in a comment (just so you don't get bombarded with weirdo's).

Great ...I was actually so desperate at one time, I had a Born Again Christian pimping me out. LOL
God, I kill myself. #

      ( 11:47 AM ) Fat Bitch
Talking to Tim does two things to me:

1. calms my fevered mind and brings me back to peace
2. makes the fever worse

He and I were talking about journeys. Life journeys.
He is apparently at a place in his life where he is comfortable...sitting around in the living room of his journey with his feet kicked up and the window open enjoying the breeze. Probably with a nice glass of tea.
In my journey......shit...
I haven't even gotten out of bed to find the flyer discussing journeys, and where you can go, or the price of travel, or whether or not I need shots or a visa. I haven't packed a bag, or bought new underwear for my life journey yet. I haven't called the travel agent or done any fucking internet research on possible destinations.

He says I'm exploring new sides of myself...or I am wanting to. Struggling to.
He says.....(direct quote)

some peoples journey's go on for their whole entire lives, never finding that one thing that will make them feel at peace, or loved, or welcomed or comforted. I would never be that egotistical to suggest somehow, someway I have achieved that, but right now in my life I am in a place where I first need to get accustomed and aqainted with the "me" at this point before I go off again on my next journey

Okay so he is at peace, and I have to call my travel agent.

:::pulling covers up over head:::::::

maybe tomorrow. #

( 10:50 AM ) Fat Bitch
Jimmy has cancer. Terminal.
How the fuck did this happen? He's bigger than life. He's the most generous, caring person...and now...what? 3 to 5 years of chemotherapy. For what? #

      ( 7:26 PM ) Fat Bitch
Now to continue the ramble form the last entry...but in an entirely different direction.
I think I am mad.
But I don't know.
Because I do not trust anything I feel at any given moment, ever.

I think I am mad at Carol. I went to my fave chat room today...and a few of my lovely regular companions there proceed to ask me if I am the current object of lust for Carol.
I am floored, as well can be imagined. I have absolutely no clue that she has even discussed ANY kind of plans she...or she and I have with anyone but Anne. So there I sit...completely confused on how to answer the question. Do I reveal something I am not sure I am allowed to reveal? She and I never discussed whether or not any of this is secret.

So here's the thing. I don't care if it is secret or not. So why am i hurt?
Surely she didn't just blurt it out. According to my sources...they just figured it out.
Carol's ego ran amock.
And I adore her ego. It's one of my main attractions to her. So am I angry?
I dunno. Startled ...yes...a little confused...at least until I talk to her again...yes.
But then again....

Never trusting my own emotional judgement....shit.

I don't want to lose her now. That's the only thing I do know.

#

      ( 7:03 PM ) Fat Bitch
OKAY kids...quick lesson in Borderline Personality Disorder.
BPD's have no solid emotions. Nothing concrete. You feel one way one moment, another way the next. More often than not...the two feelings are contradictory.Thus the BPD (in this case) me, has no solid ANYTHING.
For example....say you absolutely LOVE...ohhhhh...turtles. The very first time you see a turtle you love it. It's cute little snakey head...the adorable little clawed toes...you admire it's ability to pull appendages in and stick them out at will. But the very next minute...or two weeks go by, or even...oh a course of years elapse and you find yourself hating turles. Loathing turtles. You cannot even bear the thought of turtles. But turtles did not change. Turtles did nothing to you. They still have a cute snakey head, adorable clawed toes etc etc. Turtles did not bite you...turtles did not pee on your shoe. But you just know you hate them...but remember loving them. So you have conflicting emotions. And they don't make sense... and you start to wonder...am I fucking crazy? I love turtles, I hate turtles, I love them, I hate them. Love them, hate them, love, hate.
Okay, now compound these conflicting emotions with this....you want to love turtles again. But you can't...because you loathe them AND you want to hate turtles but you think ...wait I used to love turtles...and turtles did nothing wrong, and I have no reason to hate them...but I do...I think? Maybe I don't. It becomes your only recourse to remove turtles entirely from your field of memory and current existance so that you no longer face that conflict. But you can't, because turtles are everywhere....you are surrounded by them.

What it all comes down to...sans turtles...is that nothing you feel is real. Nothing you feel makes sense. No emotion-be it love, fear, anger, compassion, jealousy, amusement, lust and sadness. None of it is real in your head.
So emotions, in your experience become lies. Your own emotions...the things that guide you socially, morally, mentally, are all lies.
And so since you cannot get rid of turtles, and you cannot trust your own emotions...you can only do one thing. Shut down. Pull in all emotional appendages...just like a turtle.
Everything becomes grey...and quiet.

So there you are like a stone dead turtle, til something else comes along and awkens a new emotion. And out of pure relief just to feel anything...you wallow in it. (Like a turtle in mud) You slather that new emotion on...covering yourself in it til you can see nothing else. Because you know...it's going to change. Any minute now.

Okay so what has all this rambling been about? Whitney. I have lived ten years with this woman. And run a gamut of emotions in those ten years. All exactly like explained with turtles. Not knowing at any given second when one emotion is going to change...going to flip. And here lately.....I have begun feeling very panicky when thinking about loving her...or leaving her...

FUCK I am in the grey.
#

      ( 8:32 AM ) Fat Bitch
It's been like old home days here lately. Resa and Mike were in town 4 weeks ago, Allen 3 weeks ago, Charles called out of the blue two weeks ago (to tell me he and Pandy got divorced, gee what did he want?), and Kelly called last week. Usually it's me reaching out to people in my past. This past two months, my past is reaching out for me.
Luckily, it's all been good parts of my past.

Perhaps later I'll write about why it seems so important to me to keep track of the people that have passed through my life. That, I think is an excellent topic. #

      ( 10:11 PM ) Fat Bitch
Stacen and Mark are coming in for the anniversary party in August. Her note said that they'd be in Pascagoula for part of their visit and over here the last half of the week.
It will be good to have the whole family here. Weird..but good. Candy has asked if Patrick can come too, so I emailed Barry. No answer yet. It's sweet that she wants to include him. He has no understanding yet, of the importance of family. I hope I didn't fuck that up for him.

I'm sure Candy has something really nice planned for Mama and Papa's 60th.
Wow. 60 years. How can anyone stand to be around anyone else for sixty freaking years?

#

      ( 9:40 PM ) Fat Bitch
Jane and Randy just called. Tracy is getting married. So that's it. All the Shaw kids are finally "honorable". I'm just so excited for him. He's such a teddy bear.
Jane told me that he knew it was going to break my heart that he was marrying another woman...but that if I wanted, I could be his best man. That little shit!
I can't believe how much I miss those two and the ragamuffin herd of children.
I can't believe that our best friends in the whole world are old enough to be Whit's and my parents. But we do love them so.
The friendship with Jane and Randy reminds me of my parent's relationship with Van and Beth so many years ago. But as God as my witness I won't fuck it up like Dad did.
There's something so good having people in your life that you can say literally anything to. Knowing that you can show up at their house, day or night, and be welcomed. We are more than friends. We are family.

I miss them so much.

#

      ( 6:20 PM ) Fat Bitch
And so Carol says to me the other night........

If I find what I am looking for in her bed, how will I ever leave it?

My question exactly.
#

      ( 6:13 PM ) Fat Bitch
What the FUCK am I doing?

I've been watching Whitney lately. Something is different.
Something has changed.

All of a sudden...I am not being taken for granted anymore.
All of a sudden...she is an active, participating member of this relationship.

And I don't know what to do. I'm used to being taken for granted, and now she dotes on me. She waits on me. She's slowly becoming the girlfriend I've always wanted.

And I want out?

Now?

When it's finally looking good?

#

Your silence will not protect you (Audre Lord)