| Stinky Pinky: Or how to become a lesbian in 34 years | |||
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Friday, February 28, 2003 ( 9:04 PM ) Fat Bitch Doing more research on BPD, I have found yet another book..."Lost in the Mirror". Though much of it makes sense....the warnings encased within are dire indeed. Luckily, I have no intention of harming myself, in any way. I also seem to have the capability to work and live normally. What I do have a problem with is keeping my thoughts from racing, and my concerns about life in general from overwhelming me, at times. I am usually able to keep my impulsivity from running amuck. (Well, most of the time, anyway) Given the fact that most of the people in this world have these same problems, I guess I count myself lucky...and go on to live each day as best I can. What more can any one ask? # ( 8:57 PM ) Fat Bitch Kelly read the last posting and replied. His words made sense and touched me very deeply...no wonder I have loved this man since I met him, nearly 20 years ago. His comments are as follows.... Kim my sweet, you are far from alone in your "condition". Look, I feel the same way, I just won't go see any one over it. I don't want any Dr. telling me I am nuts or experimenting with my brain chemistry. You're not BP2 rapid, if you were every one could tell. I have several friends in bad shape from that set of problems. My X Amy is BP2 rapid, She was obviously out of control, could not hold a job or a relatinship. You ain't got that. Sounds like you do the same thing I do, set yourself up to get used and then feel bad and blame ourselves. This of course leads to more depression and trauma. Spank me I'm Bad. Why dose the punishment that feels good? How easily addicted we are to it in all it's forms. I act it out in the bedroom. I get to submit and be punished. Or if I have just been pissed off by life lately, I dominate and force pleasure. In the past I have gone to S&M sex clubs in several states and countries. There are some stories I'd love to tell you. I have mellowed with age perhaps but am now looking for kinky monogamy. Is phone sex cheating? Oops, I just hit on you. Did that make me a sex addict? Call it what you will, I prefer the term Deviant. It's kind of classy, not tainted. What I want you to know is, I understand and I think you are going to be just fine. Don't hurt your self by giving all sorts of medical names to your feelings. Those techno names can put a shameful, sick view on what is life. Even the Native Americans understood this. People we would call crazy and shun in our society, they called "touched by the gods" and in some cases honored them, for they saw things the rest of us don't. And you my dear are far from being touched. You are however loved. I will keep you in my thoughts, take care of yourself. Promises for the future, Kelly # Tuesday, February 18, 2003 ( 7:00 AM ) Fat Bitch I'm broken. I've been broken for a long time. What's worse, is that I don't even know where to begin looking for the pieces to put me back together again. I guess I should be upset with Vivian for not figuring out that I'm Borderline. It's been two years, and some months now since I started therapy with her. However, all the reading I have done on Borderline Personailty Disorder states that it is a very difficult diagnosis to come by. I just know that over the course of the two years, I have described several of the key points in the determination of such a diagnosis. And yet in one of the books I'm using as reference material, it states that a borderline can spend hours talking about themselves and their feelings, and yet you will never get to the "inner workings" of their mind. When we first started all of this, the diagnosis was Sexual Obsession. At first that sounded right. But the more research I did, the less it seemed to be true for me. Sexual Addicts victimize and prey upon people for gratification. I seek to be preyed upon. Then, Viv hit on Rapid Cycle Bipolar II. This didn't seem right either. The psychiatrist she sent me to tried drug therapy. It didn't work. Namely because I am not suffering from a chemical imbalance, which is what Rapid Cycle Bipolar is. Then we tried ADD, then OCD. Nope, neither one of those fit. We were in the middle of a session not too long ago, when apparently I said something that triggered her....she got up to retrieve her copy of the DVM. Yup, friends and neighbors you got it. I show 7 out of 9 of the key indicators of Borderline Personality Disorder. Woo-hoo. According to the book I'm researching now..."The Angry Heart"...recovery from BPD is a long and painful journey. Well yippee damn skippee. Just what I need. I've been hurting for so long now, that hurting is normal. Anger is staus quo. And there isn't a hot clue in cold hell that points to who the fuck I really am on the inside. I've run on auto pilot for so long...I have no fucking idea where I am. What's worse is this.... I'm tired. I am absolutely exhausted. A long painful journey is now just beginning? What about the long and painful journey I took to get here...wherever here is. Whoever I am........... # |
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