| Stinky Pinky: Or how to become a lesbian in 34 years | |||
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Wednesday, October 23, 2002 ( 7:05 AM ) Fat Bitch Let me tell you about being bisexual. It fucking sucks. Imagine living your life, pulled in two completely different, opposite directions. Knowing if you go one way, that you will always want the other. Knowing that being in a committed relationship, you will always want more than what is there. Always knowing that one is never enough. So I guess that means that my love life is most comparable to a Lay's potato chip? # ( 7:00 AM ) Fat Bitch I don't know why I bothered trying to find him. I knew it would eat me up. It doesn't matter how long it's been....I'll never get over him. My brain knows...my guts know....I just can't convince my heart. I lied when I told him I just wanted to see how he was. I wanted to see how I was...with his memory. I guess I thought I could be calm and cool about it. What it all comes down to is the same thing every other relationship has ever come down to. Do you love me? Will you love me forever, even after I'm gone? # Tuesday, October 22, 2002 ( 8:15 AM ) Fat Bitch Larry has decided that he wants to tell his girlfriend that we have made contact. Ouch. Why does it bother me so badly? Because I know I won't tell Whit? Because I know it would hurt her to know that I've been talking to him? Because I knew before I contacted him, that it would hurt her if I wanted to contact him? Now I'm asking myself, Why the fuck did I want to talk to him anyway? Oh, I know the reason....I want him to still love me. From out of the past, I want the confirmation that there was some emotion there. I'm at a point now...I feel cold inside...all grey and empty, I'm searching for some sign that I actually felt something. That fire, and passion, and absolute oblivion in emotion existed at some point for me... And that I had caused that in someone else. Good God...I'm so fucking pathetic...I make myself sick. # Monday, October 21, 2002 ( 8:43 AM ) Fat Bitch Okay friends and neighbors, time to go over the therapy stuff. It's been rough the last month or so, and I haven't written anything of it. I need to purge in order to see her this week and be ready for the next emotional onslaught that no doubt is to follow. 2 visits ago, we were discussing the fact that I am in a safer emotional state than when I first went to see Vivian, seeking therapy. I went in originally, October 31, two years ago. At the time, I was planning on leaving Whitney, and engaging simultaneously in several affairs, one or two of them with men that were D/s Dominants. I was acting out sexually, in ways that were dangerous, physically, mentally, and emotionally. My original intent was to find out why. Why did I feel the need to be punished, Why did I feel the need to get away from the emotional safe haven of my lover, Why was I acting out like I had in my teens and early twenties? In two years, Vivian has determined that I am a classic Sexual Obsessive...Borderline Obsessive Compulsive, and most likely Bi-Polar. I suffer from sexual trauma from my youth, and have severe problems with abandonment issues. For the past two years we have delved into the past and drug up some pretty smelly old corpses. We've gone over my innate fear/hatred of men, my loss of sexual identity, my use of sex and relationships as weapons, my almost total lack of feeling any type of emotion, and my inability to let go of the past. Okay that gets us up to the present... Two visits ago, she and I acknowledged that I was in a safer space now. Still struggling with some issues, but safer in the fact that I was not acting out. So, she asked me what my secondary reason for coming to therapy was. I had to think for a week or two...but on my next visit my answer was pretty obvious. I explained to her that when I first came to see her, that I was a damsel in distress, now I am a lady-in-waiting. Waiting for what? Who knows? Waiting for the next blow? Waiting for the next time I want to have a meaningless relationship, that will surely destroy the one I'm in now?, Waiting for the next drama, something I can bleed dry...just so I can feel something, anything? More than likely, I'm waiting for the next high or low of the Bi-Polar roller coaster. So then...next visit.....We talked about my goal for therapy is...... I told her that I want to meld the two sides of me... The side that thinks and the side that acts. The side that is, and the side that I want to be. I tried to explain to her that I think one thing...logical, intelligent, adult, calm, collected...with plans for the future as a structured even person. But I do another...angry, dangerous, out of control. I become cold inside, can't feel anything but rage and fear. This comes out in only one way...sexually. So I'm either acting out, just to feel something...anything... ....or I feel nothing. I dutifully fufill the most minor of duties, living...tiptoeing through everyday life....knowing eventually that I'm going to lose control. She told me that there is no way to meld these two different sides. I panicked. I am still panicking. I don't know what to do with that information. My next homework assignment seemed easy. I was to identify the characterisitics of the two sides. Who I am, and who who I wanted to be.... I did this not knowing that there is actually a third side. Who I am, Who I want to be and then the third....... Who I was....before all the pain, before all the anger, before abandonment, before loss, before the cool greyness of now. She wants me to find my child....the little bit of me that used to be... I told her that there never was a child. # Sunday, October 20, 2002 ( 3:41 PM ) Fat Bitch So that's where it stands, thus far. It's good to be back in touch with him again. I'm trying not to dwell on it too much... I just remember how good it was...and how bad it was....and how much emotion was there. I guess the status quo, safe, secure blahness of my relationship with Whitney pales in comparison. I was telling Darren how much better the safety and security is...as opposed to the heart wrenching, fiery, overwhelming passion, I once felt. Maybe I lied. # ( 3:38 PM ) Fat Bitch I responded to the last letter with a bit of history.....to bring him up to speed. I am living back in Mississippi. But this time not working in a bar, thank goodness. My girlfriend and I moved down here almost 5 years ago, to help tend to my grandmother, Lillie. She had been having some pretty bad health problems, and Mom was having to commute back and forth from Florida to take care of her. At the time, my contract with the FAA was almost up, so Whitney and I decided to move here. Whitney is the same woman I was with last time you and I met. She and I have been together now for 9 years. It's been a rough road for us at times. (More on that later) But so far it's been worth the trip. I'm scared to think where I would be without her. She has made such significant changes in my life... When we first moved here, I went to work for the Hancock County Library System. Surely my dream job ... but being a librarian just doesn't pay the bills. I was lucky enough to get hired on at the DuPont Chemical Plant in Delisle in April of 1999. The plant is one of the world's highest producing distributors of Titanium Dioxide...the pigment found in all paint, plastic, and paper. It's even in toothpaste, Oreo cookies, and aspirin. I work in the packing department as a maintenance mechanic/electrician. There are days that I love the job, and days that I hate it...but I wouldn't trade the people I work with for anything. Crazy bunch of rednecks, for sure, but lovable in their own way. Trust me when I say that I never ever thought I'd be working a blue collar, manual labor type job. But I've found that the money is good, and I've learned more than I ever dreamed. It pays well enough that Whitney doesn't have to work, but she does, part-time as a pizza girl for Domino's. She's actually an artist...but she's come to the harsh realization that most artists never become wealthy. So she piddles with her art work on the side, and keeps house when she's not shuttling pizzas about town. Mom and Dad still live in Florida, with their respective spouses. Dad remarried about 8 years ago, and Mom almost 3. They both seem relatively happy...and I'm in touch with them on a regular basis. Mom and I have grown very close over the past 9 years...so I'm happy about that. I had really missed her. My little brother, Scott, is a cop in California. I don't see him much, or talk to him that often. He and I haven't been very close...but that's okay. We've got VERY different ideas about life...and rarely agree on anything...so he's better off where he is doing, what he does. My grandmother Lillie is in much better health now, and gets along just fine for an 83 year old. I do help her out around the house and yard, when she needs me to...but mostly I just go over there to hang out. She's a damn fine cook, and spoils me rotten...who wouldn't love that? My father's parents also live here...but I don't see them very often. I've come to realize that even though they're blood related, I don't have to like them. I go over to visit when my dad is in town, but that's about it. Clayton told me that your Mom passed away. I'm so very sorry. She was a great woman, and I always thought very highly of her. She loved you so much... I do have to say that I like the fact that you occasionally think about me. I know that, I too, think about you on a fairly regular basis. You will always be the one man I will always love, and never get over. I'm just sorry that it turned out that we were better at hurting each other than we were at loving each other. I will never fully forgive myself for hurting you....but I know that life must go on. You will always have apart of me, though. I will always hold you dear. Well, damn...seems as though I've written a mini-novella. Surely, you are bored to tears. I hope, with your permission, that we can keep in touch. I think I'd like to know how you are, and what you're up to..... emotionally healthy, perhaps not...but I won't tell my therapist, if you won't. Love to you, my Peter Pan.... Kim Ladner # ( 3:36 PM ) Fat Bitch Larry's response did not surprise me...his recount of the past few years were pretty much as I pictured his life....but I was flattered that he still thinks of me.....nice to know I'm not the only one that occasionally wonders about the past, and what could have been. Well it's good to hear from you. I didn't disappear into the woodwork. The Navy took off in worlds I have never dreamed of. I moved to many places and traveled tons. I guess the constant movement and zero time to think keeps you going in that lifestyle. I never stopped thinking about you, from time to time. I would tell stories of this passionate Cajun woman I once knew. I would use the Name Miss Ladnier pronounced in the French way to make the stories better. Sailors always tell good sea stories when on land, and great tales of women when at sea, oddly enough. But I left the Navy in 95, I came back to OKC and worked as a mechanic for a bit less then a year. Then went off to Dallas chasing a woman I had met in Hawaii. She was leaving a husband in the army and I was close to leaving the navy and she moved to Dallas right before I left for OK. We lived in Dallas for over a year and then I had to leave. If seems I'm good at running away from things, but this was the right thing to do for once. After that, well, a long string of drunkenness and wild women as you might expect from me. Till one day, just after I turned 30, the hangover hurt tons more then they once did, and getting up to go to work after being up till 5am with some woman hurt more then it did when I was 25. I turned around and stopped the bar hopping and going out, and settled down with a good woman that had been waiting for me to make a decision. It might not be the right thing for me but we have been together for 4 years now. I'm not really in love with her but we are good for each other. I care for her deeply but it will not last forever, I know that. I have become more a hermit type these days, playing online games and sticking around the house. I kind of like it that way. I don't meet many people I like, and fewer I can tolerate. I have become an atheist for the last 8 years or so, and living in the bible belt of Baptist, best if I don't talk to too many people. But all in all not doing to bad . Job market is a bit of hell in this little market crash, but it will pass. I am still living in Dallas and still think of you. Larry # ( 3:28 PM ) Fat Bitch Then I wrote back.....Why on earth would you be at a loss for words? And who's to say I have an ulterior motive? If you remember anything about me at all, perhaps you would recall that Autumn is my time of renewal. It's the time of the year for me that brings warm memories, and new hope. Every year about this time, I begin speculation about where I would have been, if I had chosen a different life path. Now, mind you, I don't dwell on empty hopes, or sadness. Instead, my thoughts allow me to appreciate the things that I do have, and help me chart my goals for the next year. This year, I chose to find you. To see how you were doing, and offer my best wishes. Since you seem pretty good at disappearing into the woodwork, I had to get creative...I found Clayton first. Basically what I'm trying to say is, Hi, How are you, I hope that you are well, I remember you fondly, and miss you...all in the same breath. Is that such a terrible thing? (wink) Hope to hear from you soon. Love, Kim # ( 3:27 PM ) Fat Bitch Frankly, I am at a loss for words here. It will be good to hear from you. Interested in what this is about. Larry Mckenzie This is Larry's first E-mail. I had contacted his brother Clayton, to see if he could find him for me. He did. # ( 3:17 PM ) Fat Bitch I've done something I probably shouldn't have done. I found Larry. He's in Dallas now... I'm sure Vivian (my lovely therapist), would agree that my choice to find him may not be the most healthy of decisions....but I'll talk to her about that next session. I find it strange that for me, someone that prefers to keep so tight a rein on my emotions, that I still long so deeply for this man from my past. Logically, (yes, I have to dissect this logically, it's my nature), he and I would never make it. We're too different, it's been too long...there was too much pain. But God.....(here comes the dreamy romantic, stupid, side), I loved him. He was the first overwhelming, all encompassing love. And I dwell on that..... not as often as I used to....but.... Anyway...I'm going to post our letters to and fro....for my viewing pleasure/pain. Again, probably not the most healthy of choices....to read, and re-read, and re-read... but...at least I'm aware of the danger to my heart... # Saturday, October 19, 2002 ( 2:16 PM ) Fat Bitch Just would like to note here, that the last post of 9/4 was the last time my g/f and I had sex. And she wonders why I get pissed off about it... # |
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