Stinky Pinky: Or how to become a lesbian in 34 years

Stinky Pinky: Or how to become a lesbian in 34 years

( 9:13 AM ) Fat Bitch
Supposed to be headed out to the Breast Cancer Cure party over at Charlene's with Kathleen and Courtney here in a bit. But I'm soooooo tired. Up all night (wink wink). Yup, that's right friends and neighbors...got laid right proper for a change, spankings and handcuffs included. But I guess I'll go and be sociable and try a sneak out early to get some rest.
I could tell Whit was a bit miffed with me for talking to Kat and Courtney about our troubles, but seeing as that's really the only way to get through to her sometimes...I can't say as I regret it much. Plus, hell, it got me laid for a change. I could have had some lovin' the night before too...but after I took off early from work to take her for a midnight picnic on the beach....I fell asleep in my chair before anything got started. God, I hate shift work.
Mom and Glen, Dad and Sandy and even Scott are all coming in for the big Fourth of July/Crabfest weekend. Too bad I've gotta work. I usually enjoy the Crabfest, even thought it's the same thing every year.
After the party today, (and after a little nap), I need to get some serious cooking done. Most I'll leave for tomorrow....but the freezer's running a bit bare, and I really want to try those red beans I got at the farmer's market this morning. Wanna try to stuff some tomatoes, make jambalaya, bake some muffins, and cut up that watermelon. If I'm feeling sweet enough...I'll take some goodies over to Joanne. If not...I'll eat them all myself...heeheehee.
Oh, one little side effect of the glucophage so far.....7 pounds lost in 7 days. I ain't complaining. Just wondering if it's gonna continue like that when I start taking the full dosage in two weeks. Could be that my little "syndrome" may be under control. Well...we can always hope. #

( 10:57 PM ) Fat Bitch
So...she comes in last night at 2 after going to New Orleans with Courtney, Cheri and Kathleen, and tells me that she's going to be a better girlfriend. You mean to tell me she's just now figured out that she's a bad one? #

( 7:24 AM ) Fat Bitch
Monday Mission:

1. What does Father's Day mean to you personally? It means I buy my dad two cards...one funny, one sweet.

2. Was there a Father, or a Father Figure in your life as you grew up?
My Daddy

3. a) If you are a parent, is the father of your child(ren) involved on a daily basis? Is that even important?

or if you do not have children

b) Would you like to become a parent? Would you be good at raising your own children? I do not have any children, mostly because I recognize the fact that I would be a terrible parent.

4. With Rosie, Callista, Jodie and Camryn all raising children without Fathers, Hollywood seems to be sending a message that children do not need male role models. Do you agree? Are these "stars" sending a good message to the young adults who admire them?

I think that it's okay to grow up in any family that loves you, with or without a mom...or dad.
As long as you are loved, emotionally supported, properly guided, and taught the skills you need in life to survive, it should not matter what your family dynamics are. The definiton of "family" has changed over the years. Families do not, and should not fit into a mold.
In fact the "ideal" family with a mommy and daddy and 2.5 kids with a dog and white picket fence has never truly existed, except in old television shows like "Father Knows Best".
And as for the message being sent to people by the celebrities that they admire? Please.....how can you truly admire someone that you do not know on a one on one personal basis? And can their actions truly affect your opinions? If you can admire, and their actions can affect yours...then what does that say about you as a person? Is your life so meaningless that the actions of people you don't know really hold so much sway?

5. Do you think the absence of a loving, caring father in the life of a child could have any influence on their sexual preferences when the child grows up? Sexual orientation is determined by genes, hormones and chromosonal make-up...chartered before birth.

6. Was there ever a time when your father became "uncool." Or maybe embarrassed you? hell, he is the coolest guy I know....but still embarasses me on a regular basis.

7. Are you ever too old to kiss your Dad? nah....I smooch my old man all the time, and nothing, but nothing compares to one of my daddy's bear hugs

BONUS: When you coming home, dad? I don't know when, but i know we'll have a good time then son, I know we'll have a good time then.

#

( 1:49 PM ) Fat Bitch
I remember Vivian saying something along the lines of me not ever having the chance to mourn the loss of my innocence. If you ask me, innocence is over-rated. Reared in a Catholic home, I was taught to be a "Good Girl". Reminiscent of Adam Ant's "Goody Two Shoes"....
Anywho.....It didn't take long after puberty hit to find out that being bad was a LOT more fun than being good. I took every opportunity to be naughty. But....I remember feeling mind-numbing guilt over it, at first. What I don't remember is when I lost the guilt. When it became easy to be easy.
For some reason I think it may be pivotal to remember this point of change. When exactly did I begin to shut down the emotions associated with intimacy...and go with sheer sensation? At what moment did I decide thast being numb on the inside was safer, better, than feeling the pain of rejection, or loss, or even guilt at my own lack of control. When did strike before being struck become my armor against loving someone? I guess what I'm looking for is the key moment when I became a sex addict.
What pushed that button ? When did I top caring? When did my innocence become more of a burden than a bad reputation and a string of broken hearts?

I guess I never actually lost my innocence. I sold it to the highest bidder. #

( 11:45 AM ) Fat Bitch
Dr. Lansden prescribed Glucophage to help control my insulin problems. I figured this was going to happen, so I'm not all too worried about it. Also, the blood tests showed a raised testosterone level. I plan on letting Vivian know about that, as it may be a key factor in the addiction as well. Testosterone affects sex drive. Duh.
What I really want to talk to Vivian about is how much difficulty I am having in telling Whit to go. I'm so numb right now, it frightens me. I feel nothing toward her now. The anger, and resentment have just worn me down to the point that all I want is out. I'm tired.
I just don't know how to let go. #

( 3:14 PM ) Fat Bitch
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:

.

An old love she can imagine
going back to ... and one who reminds
her how far she has come...

. Enough money within her
control to move out and rent a place
of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to...

. Something perfect to wear if
the employer or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...

. A youth she's content to
leave behind...

. A past juicy enough that
she's looking forward to retelling it
in her old age...

. A set of screwdrivers,
cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

. One friend who always makes
her laugh ... and one who lets her cry...

. A good piece of furniture
not previously owned by anyone else
in her family...

. Eight matching plates, wine
glasses with stems, and a recipe
for a meal that will make her
guests feel honored.

. A feeling of control over
her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

. How to fall in love without losing herself...

. How to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend
without ruining the friendship...

. When to try harder ... and
when to walk away...

. That she can't change the
length of her calves, the width of
her hips, or the nature of her
parents...

. That her childhood may not
have been perfect ... but its over...

. What she would and wouldn't
do for love or more...

. How to live alone ...
even if she doesn't like it...

. Whom she can trust, whom she
can't, and why she shouldn't take
it personally...

. Where to go ... be it to her
best friend's kitchen table ... or a
charming inn in the woods ... when her soul needs
soothing...

. What she can and can't
accomplish in a day... a month ... and a year...a lifetime.
#

( 4:51 PM ) Fat Bitch
I'm having a hard time getting started on the second part of my assignment from Vivian. Perhaps it's because I'm having a difficult time putting myself in my mother's shoes.
At the time in question, 16 years ago, I knew my mother as a cold, unfeeling person.
I know differently now. I've come to see her in a different light. And not just her...Daddy is different to me now...and Beebee too. I'm not sure when I started to figure out that the people in my life, the adults of my family, were human. I imagine that my parents divorce was the catalyst for this discovery.
In some ways it's good to find that I am able to see different facets of the people I love, and adapt my opinions of them as more information about each of them comes to light.
It's a growth process...becoming an adult involves understanding the constant change in the people around you. That these people are not static, and events shape their lives...just as my own life events change me.
I'm not sure why this line of thinking is just now becoming concrete for me. I've known the basic bones of this for some time now. I would imagine that the therapy sessions help crystalize my thoughts.
I know I grow stagnant occasionally. Thinking only about suface things such as laundry, and grocery shopping, and bills. I actually enjoy the process of finding out more about myself, and growing. Admittedly, at times it is unpleasant, and even painful uncovering some past events. It even comes to me as a surprise that I have allowed so much to happen in my life, and yet not truly lived those things fully. #

      ( 12:37 PM ) Fat Bitch
Assignment: Letter 1

Dear Mom,

I know that I am a disappointment to you. You had such hopes and dreams for me, and now I've gone and fucked them beyond recognition. But if you would please just get over it, I'd really appreciate it.

I'm scared. And I need you. I don't know what to do.
The long silences in the car on the way to the midwifery don't help.
The refusal to be seen with me in public stings. How can you be so cold, as to ask me how I can go to church like this? 16, pregnant, and unwed. Wouldn't you agree that church may very well be the best place for me right now?
I don't understand your embarassment. You're not the one recieving pitying stares from well meaning adults or
hearing the sniggers behind your back at school, from the not-so-well-intentioned classmates.
Steve didn't tell you "Oh-fucking well", when you told him you were pregnant with his child. You're not the fool
here. You're not the one with the broken heart.
I know that I messed up. And I am well aware of the fact you and Daddy and Jesus-Freakin' Christ all dissaprove of pre-marital sex. I know all that you have taught me.
I made my own choices and I will deal with the consequences. But Momma, please. Tell me everything's gonna be okay. Tell me you understand puppy love. Tell me you know I'm gonna get over Steve, and fall in love again.
Tell me that when this is over, I can go on with my life, and be what I want to be.
Tell me you'll be here, and that you'll help me make it through this. Tell me you love me.

Please Momma. Tell me I'm forgiven.

Me.

#

      ( 12:00 PM ) Fat Bitch
Just got back from seeing Vivian (my therapist), and am Joann's to write, for some much needed privacy . We dug pretty deep today, opening up some old wounds I didn't even know I had. We were talking about self-worth, and self respect, and about how I came to be in this place that I am now.
We discussed how the personality I have developed got the way that it is. We reached into the past to find out the ways that I have been hurt, and abandoned. In doing so, I'm finding that those old hurts do haunt me, and that is why I have put up the shields that keep me from letting anyone too close. We talked about how my sharing my body but not my heart, isn't necessarily me putting people off, so much as making an offer of simple ecstacy hoping that someone will see through the bluff and bravado of my sexuality, and find something more.
So far it hasn't worked, so I let sex run interference for me, while I build that wall ever higher.
We talked about Mark, and how he lost his virginity to Sheri instead of me...after we had promised each other our first time. (This was when I thought virginity was special) We talked about John, and how he came on to both Missy and Darci, while with me----pregnant, and scared, and feeling so alone. Then we got to Mom. I actually teared up on this one.
I mean all this stuff is ancient history. But Vivian feels it's necessary to examine my losses, and allow myself the pain I have been refusing to feel for so long. I've had myself convinced that these experiences were long since gone, and buried. They're not. Truth be known...the corpses of hurtful experiences were never buried deeply enough, and now I'm beginning to smell the rot.
I know that on the surface, I seem to let things slide off of me. I appear so easy going, and take a devil-may-care attitude. Again, truth be known...I ache inside. And I've been hurting so long...that this pain is normal for me. I never developed a healthy way to disperse the bad feelings...so now they resurface in my sexuality.
Perhaps this is why I seek pain for pleasure. I need the outside to hurt, so some of the ache on the inside is lessened.
I became so good at letting things slide by me. Allowing other people their foibles and weaknesses. I could and do excuse so much in others. Yet, I punish myself for my weaknesses. Instead of feeling and healing, I react and lash out...daring someone to love me. Then I punish those who try.
So......my next homework assignment from Vivian is to write two letters...one to my mom...about how much I needed her, and how hurt I was that she emotionally abandoned me while I was pregnant. The second, is a letter from her, to me, written in the context of her being supportive, and caring during that time.
I don't know which will be more difficult.

#

Sunday, June 02, 2002
      ( 1:10 PM ) Fat Bitch
Saw Kelly online this morning about 5. Haven't talked to him in over a year.
Then I had a dream about him last night. We were sitting in that crazy old van of his, and I was trying to tell him something important. I kept telling him that I loved him, and that he had always been in my thoughts. I told him that I knew we were not meant to be together but that he would be my one unrequited love. For me, an unrequited love is the best kind, because neither one of us would ever be truly hurt by the other, and we would each have that burn, that everlasting knowledge that somewhere, out there, there was someone who loved us. Unconditionally, unequivocally, and without end.

How odd to have a dream so similar to reality. I've known Kelly over half of my life. Fell for him when I was 14. Have loved him just as long..... but I know the truth. We would never make it. He knows that too. #

Saturday, June 01, 2002
      ( 1:20 PM ) Fat Bitch
I guess sometimes I try to talk myself into leaving her by telling myself about all the good things that will happen when she's gone. I'll be able to lose weight, quit smoking, travel anywhere I wanna go, save money, have a clean house,learn a second language, go back to school, and be free. I can rationalize each of these. Each little reason comes with it's own background singers, lauding on and on about how if she's not here, it'll be easier to do each of them. In truth, I don't know what would happen if she finally left. I'd probably stay here, in this house, work lots and lots of overtime, and sleep when I wasn't at work. That's how I normally deal with being sad. I sleep.
Brian (my boss) keeps giving me the reasons to leave. Like I don't already know them. But he's just in awe that , as he says, the whole world open to me (sexually), that I stay with her.
I try to tell myself that I'm happy most of the time. And I feel safer with her here. But I also know that our sex life sucks, she's lazy as hell, she has no ambition or initiative, and I'd probably be better off with her gone. I just don't know how to deal with that final confrontation, and the time it'll take to get her shit out of here, and how to fairly and equitably split our meager assets. I hate it when she cries.
#

Your silence will not protect you (Audre Lord)