Stinky Pinky: Or how to become a lesbian in 34 years

Stinky Pinky: Or how to become a lesbian in 34 years

( 5:01 PM ) Fat Bitch
By me....forgot when I wrote it, but just found it here recently. When I find that stupid disc with the rest of my poetry on it, I'll post those too.

Little plastic people,
living little cardboard lives,
cellophane men,
and their silicone wives,
Tangled in red-tape,
and selling paper lies,

In search, in vain, for reality
just beyond their marble eyes. #

( 12:14 PM ) Fat Bitch
Just wanted to jot down a couple of lines from Poppy Z. Brites book...Exquisite Corpse.
Only slightly adapted to fit into my frame of mind....she wrote it like I feel it.

"Finding him had made the universe yawn wide for me somehow. It was like discovering that my innermost fires and terrors, the things I believed no one else could fathom, were in fact the basis of a recognized philosophy. Some part of me feels intimately invaded, threatened; some other part of me fell to it's knees and sobbed in gratitude that it was no longer alone." (This is how I feel about Tim, and the D/s lifestyle)

"They're always afraid at first. The ones who have never experienced terrible pain start out calmer, because they have no concept of how bad it can be. When they discover how much their bodies are capable of hurting, they're astounded. When they realize it isn't going to end quickly, they crumble under the weight of their own fear. The ones who have known pain are terrified from the start. But either way.... After you've been going for a while, after they have begged and screamed and realized none of it is going to make any difference, they pass into a kind of ecstacy. Their flesh becomes clay. They cleave to you. It becomes collaboration."

(The second quote, in her book is about murder...for me both quotes are about sex.
Slightly frightening that I link sex and death.) #

( 1:01 PM ) Fat Bitch
Haven't had much of a chance to write lately...been kinda busy with work etc.
Just got back from the doctor's office. Have an intestinal infection. (Diverticulitis) Oh goody. So off work til' Thursday, then start my seven day break. Rather not be sick...but at least I'm not out there sweating my bottom off. Doc prescribed Cipro for my infection...ya know, good for infections as well as Anthrax, Bubonic Plague and Legionaire's disease. I feel so safe.

On the home front, things going pretty well. We went out with the Domino's crowd to the Voodoo Groove, Friday night. Then Saturday, I went to help Mickey and Donna paint their new house. That night, went to STYX concert with Kathleen and Cheri. (Whit bought the ticket for me, but had to work). They put on a pretty good show.
Other than that...all is quiet, well and good.
#

( 9:51 PM ) Fat Bitch
Wanted to throw in this poem I found in the last Oprah magazine...didn't get the author's name or title, and really only like the first three lines....but here they are. They hold a lot of meaning for me.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. #

( 9:20 AM ) Fat Bitch
Never trust a sober man
whom you meet in a bar.
#

( 12:55 PM ) Fat Bitch
My homework assignment for Vivian (therapist) is to determine what boundaries I have, based on self worth, concerning the sharing of my body in intimate situations.
Hmmmmmm. I can't say that in the past I've ever considered having boundaries, or even really being concerned for my emotional needs during sexual activities.
This assignment stems from me asking her how to "grow" morals, as I seem to be lacking in that department. Oh, I'd never kill anyone, and I try not to be immoral, per se. But sexually speaking, I've never really had morals in any given sense. For example, if someone I am interested in is married, or has a steady significant other....I never cared.
I've always chosen rather aberrant sexual practices, barring children, animals, and the dead...but pretty much anybody else was fair game. We talked about the differences in being taught morals, as I was taught in Catholic schools, and church....and morals developed by oneself. I can't say that I have adhered to those taught, and I guess I never developed any of my own.
And as for the whole idea of self care? The protection of my self, physically, emotionally, and spiritually? During intimacy? Please. All I wanted was in, out, don't call me and I won't call you. Apparently, according to Vivian, I need to set boundaries for myself. Have to figure out what kind of person I am willing to let in. Sex is supposed to be intimate, moving, healing, bonding, trusting, touching thing that binds two people, makes them of one heart, mind, soul....blahblahblah. For me, well, it's a hobby. I've studied it since I was five, the physiology, biology, and mechanics of sex. The best positions, best techniques, and the more out of the ordinary, the more taboo, the better.
So now that I recognize that sex is not supposed to be a hobby (?), I'm supposed to write up a set of boundaries. What's sad is...I can't think of any.
#

( 10:26 PM ) Fat Bitch
Have to admit we had a pretty good day today. Got the library/craft room cleaned out, and I got most of the work shed cleaned and organized. Not too bad. Also spent some time down at the beach and flew the gorgeous new kite Dad and Sandy brought me. Seems as though I might need some practice doing that though. Not as easy as I remember it being.
Also...found this kick ass new couch, on sale. Blood red, faux suede, and comfy, comfy, comfy. Probably shouldn't have spent the money, but it really was a great deal, and our old couch was just in pitiful shape.
All in all a pretty good day. Angela and Mike are having a barbecue tomorrow night, and we've been invited , along with Robert and Val, Tiffany and the girls. Whitney hasn't yet confirmed whether or not she wants to go, and I did agree to not making any formal plans these last three days, so we may go, or we may not. I hope so.
Per usual, when it's just she and I together, just doing stuff together, we get along beautifully. It's only when I'm alone that the aching starts. But I can't be with her 24/7. #

( 5:49 PM ) Fat Bitch
Spoke with John again last night. Also with Scott today. Scott says not to worry about John. He's just an empathic Dom. Not to let him get to me. But then I think about the fact that John told me first, about his addiction. And that our first conversation was indeed primarily about recovery and sobriety. Last night we talked about fears and limitations. But he does seem to understand.
Basically it all comes down to me knowing that I cannot have what I want.
I'm safe here in my teeny tiny town, in my teeny tiny house, in my teeny tiny life.
And whether it be true, or right, or good or not, I keep Whitney as a guard against my urges. I just don't know how long she'll hold up as a shield. #

      ( 9:32 PM ) Fat Bitch
Dad and Sandy dropped by and brought me that table my mom made, oh so many years ago. It's still in great shape, and I'm glad to have a piece of my family history, pre-divorce. In fact when mom made this, 28 years ago, we were living just around the corner from where I live now. I even remember going to the shop behind Ashman-Mollere to watch her make it. Wow.
Going to take Dad and Sandy to Guy's crawfish boil tomorrow. Can't wait. They probably won't stay as long as I do, or get nearly as smashed...but hey, at least they're coming. It'll be fun. It's kinda nice having a yearly tradition. Even if it's just a big bunch of us from work chowing down on some mudbugs and getting schnockered. #

      ( 9:22 PM ) Fat Bitch
Made an appointment to see my old therapist, Vivian. Now that I have, I'm not sure what the hell for. What will I say? I'll go in there and whine that I want sex, sex and more sex? That I want risky, dangerous interactions with complete strangers? That I hate being in love? That I'm fat, and ugly, and lonely? That my mother never loved me and that
I'm bad bad bad. Jeez. Maybe I just need to fucking grow up. #

      ( 10:48 AM ) Fat Bitch
Stacen sent this litle survey...I'm adding my responses here, plus those of others that respond. Here's mine:

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD YOUR HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?

Right here, where I am now...knock over this old house and build something wonderful.

2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?

pajamas...my funky pink flamingo pajamas...and fuzzy slippers

3. WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT?

I just bought Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot's "Addictive" and "Greatest Hits by Peggy Lee" talk about eclectic tastes....

4. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?

at home

5. WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?

Stuck in traffic in Dallas at rush hour. Somehow, EVERY time I go through Dallas, I get stuck in rush hour.

6. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?

promise not to giggle? my hiney...nothing is better than a good butt rub

7. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY?

Mind.

8. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?

Work days 5:00, either A.M or P.M. depending on my shift
Off days....whenever I rollout of bed.

9. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?

Again, promise not to giggle? Buffy the Vampire Slayer....I am so addicted, cause Willow is a hottie.

10. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?

Look at my hips, and ask me that again. (the refrigerator)

11. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MEMORY?

Summer trips to Mississippi....to see family. Now I live here, and never see them. Weird, huh?

12. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?

Dirty Jokes

13. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY?

Hypocrisy

14. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT WHAT WOULD IT BE?

The Cello, it's so sexy.

15. FAVORITE RESTAURANT/CAFE/EATERY?

Copeland's

16. FAVORITE MUSICAL GROUP IN YOUR TEENS/EARLY TWENTIES?

Oh, jeez...I gotta admit this? Rick Springfield, Air Supply, Samantha Fox, Adam Ant, Book of Love, Prince, The Time, Madonna. Eeek. Get the picture?

17. If THERE EVER WAS A MOVIE MADE ABOUT YOU, WHAT HOLLYWOOD STAR WOULD PLAY YOU?
Gillian Anderson, or Gina Gershon, or Angelina Jolie.
Yeah right...try Roseanne Barr.

18. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?
Yes. But probably not like you do.

19. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Autumn

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
Dusting

22. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

I don't know if you'd consider it a super power or not, but I'd like to be immortal. Never aging, always in excellent health....and around to see what's gonna happen next.

23. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?

I have 3 and if you wanna know what they are...come see.

24. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST LOVE AND AT WHAT AGE?

AAAhhh first love...would have to have been Mark Ogle...I was 14.

25. THE SONG YOU WISHED YOU HAD WRITTEN?

Wind Beneath My Wings...and I would have written it for my mother.

26. DO YOU PREFER CATS OR DOGS?
Cats.

27. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?

My emergency roadside kit, car cleaning stuff like Armor-All, and Windex, my bowling shoes, and about 9 umbrellas.

28. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?
Pretty much anything chocolate!

29. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU EMAILED THIS TO, WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Darren, Sherron, and Beckee, if she's not too busy.

30. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU EMAILED THIS TO, WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

Mickey, cause he's a nu-nu head.

31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR!

HALLOWEEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

32. USING ONLY ONE WORD, DESCRIBE YOURSELF.

Unique

33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS?

Just one nice thing, about my favorite cousin, Stacen? Jeez...that's not fair...I could go on and on. Let's just say that she's one of the best people I know.
#

Your silence will not protect you (Audre Lord)