Stinky Pinky: Or how to become a lesbian in 34 years

Stinky Pinky: Or how to become a lesbian in 34 years

( 11:38 PM ) Fat Bitch
Talked to Whitney last night about how bad it's getting. How vulnerable I'm feeling. I have to admit that I'm feeling a bit better after talking to her. She states that getting me to talk about what's bothering me is like pulling teeth. Guess that's true, simply because I'm so afraid of hurting her with the truth.
During our discussion, she kept asking if I was going to break up with her. I told her no.
But after she talked for awhile about why she's so non-sexual, my eyes kinda welled up and I musta had a sad look on my face. She asked why. I told her....
I have no doubts that eventually our sexual differences would tear us apart. There is no middle road for us. There is no compromise. I need the numbness, the pain, the subjugation. I can't not have that. Vanilla is okay. But for me to stay here, stay "normal", stay "well"...I need the harder riskier sex. And I need to push the envelope. To go farther, to push my limits. I can't do what we've been doing, which amounts to high school dry-humping in the backseat before curfew.

After talking to both John and Whitney, I feel a deep need to contact Vivian and start up therapy again. I'm scared of myself. I know what I'm capable of. #

( 6:03 PM ) Fat Bitch
Okay...so I'm sitting here in full awareness that the itch is getting worse. I have taken no steps to act out. Yet I have taken no steps to reign in, either. I suppose this is what Vivian referred to as "white-knuckling". Sitting here holding on for dear life.

After talking to John last night I am more aware of the steps in numbing out. It's what the whole thing is about. Numbing myself with sex, as an alcoholic numbs with booze, or a crack addict with rock. I want to get up, get dressed in my come-fuck-me clothes,
put on the make up just a bit too thick, slide on my nasty girl heels and hunt for the next Mr. Right Now. Instead I'm wearing my hair up in a messy twist, no make-up, flannel granny gown, and smoking cigarettes like they're cheap.
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. The not acting-out part.

Will keeps suggesting that we rekindle the affair of two summers ago. Though I'm way past him, on my emotional scale. I'm afraid I've relegated him to the single use category. He's not but an empty vessel, I can squeeze no more from him. And truly, other than his interests in extreme sex...I can't say there's any use in him at all. He bores me now. Sad, really.
If I had less control, I suppose I'd be over at Kathleen's house. But at least, so far I'm in enough of a sane mind to know that doing so would spell ruin. I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, and I'm the only one that has anything to lose there. Not my normal MO. They have to have more to lose. That way my illusion of control stands intact.

I guess the right thing to do would be to contact Bob Daley, and get back in with Vivian. Of course, doing so would have me telling Whitney the why's and wherefor's. She'll panic again. Or not. Which would be worse?
Of course now that she has moved sex into a punishment/reward system...I guess I really have nothing to lose. Jeez, leave it to me to pick someone with the exact opposite sexual problem as me. I always want it. She never does. How much more fucked up can this get. #

( 11:11 AM ) Fat Bitch

OPEN LETTER TO JOHN - COMPATRIOT IN MY FIGHT AGAINST SEXUAL ADDICTION

Your words are too true.
I too am split. Part of me wants to be on the next plane out of here to ruin whatever frail grasp you have on sobriety. (Honestly, there is no firm grasp upon such a thing.) The pleasure of "knowing" a man such as yourself would be fleeting, however I may wish it differently. And indeed, I am supremely confident in my abilities to please.

And yet, I know the after-effects of such actions are far more dangerous than those associated with merely meeting strangers for illicit sexual trysts. My sexual hangovers tend to last much longer than the overindulgences that caused them. I know, deeply, that my imaginings of you being the "one", are faulty, and irrational. Thus the nature of my addiction, the constant, relentless search for the man that can save me from myself.

However, I can thank you in earnest for your sympathetic ear, and insight. How interesting I find it, that your innermost thoughts and revelations mirror mine. Alas.
We will never marry, and have three children...heh heh heh. I can accept that, not as good or bad. But true.

Sincerely,
Your Belle,

Kimberly #

( 1:16 PM ) Fat Bitch
Just started this book called Love Sick. One woman's journey from sexual addiction, into recovery. Informative...yes. But I don't wanna recover. I just wanna fuck. Why is that bad? #

( 1:14 PM ) Fat Bitch
Just got back from the crew luncheon. Too much to drink...per usual. Now I gotta go bowl...mmmmm more drinking. Perhaps I'm substituting one addiction for another. Nah. Alcohol is okay...but sex rarely makes me puke. #

( 6:44 PM ) Fat Bitch
Seems as though Whit and I seem to be going out more, both together and separately. Don't kow if that's a good or bad thing. Both of us are usually such home bodies, and neither of us drink very much at all. So what exactly is this trend these last few weeks about bar hopping? I just know that when I'm out and about without her, temptation is harder to resist. Can't help but wonder how difficult it is for her. Maybe she'll meet some sweet young thing and run off with her. Yeah right. I can't get that lucky.

I just wish that she was as cocky and overtly agressive, sober, as she is when she's drunk. Kinda sad that to get my g/f of nearly nine years in bed, I gotta get her looped. Really bad for the ego, on my part. #

( 6:38 PM ) Fat Bitch
Whit came in around 5 this morning after a trip to the Voodoo Groove with some of her coworkers. Interestingly enough, one of them is Henry Nixon. When they got around to talking about me, he brought up old history, and preceded to tell her how we met and all the things I "taught" him. Heh heh heh. Let's see, I was probably 20 or 21 at the time, and he was 17, still in high school. Whit said that I had apparently made quite an impression on the boy. Then, when they all left the Groove, she ran into Debbie, another of my old lovers. Jeez, guess I'm glad I had to work today. #

( 6:01 PM ) Fat Bitch
Okay, so Whitney and I went to the bar with Kat and some of her weird friends. One, very obviously drunk one, named Norma, asked me if I was a lesbian. I responded, yes. She asked me then, why I was wearing pink. Apparently I didn't get the memo that the dress code for lesbians does not allow pink. Huh, go figure. What's next? I'll have to give up my lacy bras, and thong panties in exchange for Papa's undershirts and boxer shorts?

Actually got more done on these last three off than I did for my last entire 7 day break. Got the flower bed turned and replanted...got the bulbs down...moved the hydrangea and azaela. Now, maybe next weekend I can get the formosa azaelas and cast iron plants from Beebee's and get that chore done. Still want to get the railroad ties in for bedding the roses...but money, as always is an issue.
Still got so much to do before the get together next Saturday. But it'll get done. EEEK!!
I hope !!!! #

( 7:40 AM ) Fat Bitch
Well....it's my 33rd birthday today. Time for a little reflection.

Things are good. I'm relatively healthy. I like my job, and the people I work with. I have stronger ties to my family. Mom and I are close, and I feel as though I'm getting closer to Dad. Beebee is well. I have some very dear friends. I feel more focused than usual. I'm in a pretty decent mood. And my love life, well....we'll leave that one alone.

Okay. Now for some goals for the next year. Yuck, I hate this part....

1. Become better at my job by learning as much as I can about operations, and troubleshooting. Get more involved with the planning and implementation of projects. Be better prepared for progression/advancement. (no waiting til the last minute to study)

2. Spend more time with friends and family. Invite Candy out to lunch, get to know her better. Same with Terry & family. Make more visits to the Ladner's.
Do more for Beebee. Spend more time with her, just hanging out. Be more available to her. Start work on that damned house. Drywall repair, wallpaper, paint etc.
Spend more time with Joanne. And Mickey.

3. Work harder at time management. Make monthly plans for 7 day breaks.

4. Spend money more wisely. Save. Save. Save.

5. Keep up with the health maintenance. Get serious about the weight/smoking thing. No more procrastination. No fizzling out halfway this year.

6. Figure out what to do about this house. Alert Nancy as to plans...buy? keep renting?
keep doing improvements? Contact Thad about mortgage?

7. Pay mom back.

8. Figure out what the fuck to do about Whitney. Stay or go. 100% or nothing.
No more excuses. If necessary, hook back up with Vivian to get it straight. There's no point in remaining stagnant. Make it right...or let it die.

9. Meet Tim.

Jeez, is that all? How about a Mt. Everest climb?
#

( 10:32 AM ) Fat Bitch
Got a call from Tami late last night...saying that Kathleen had been in a minor accident and was drunk as shit and her insulin was fucked up....so like happy little campers ....we were off to do good deeds. Kat was severely drunk...going on and on about how Cheri thought she was a drunk and that she used alcohol as a crutch. (Actually Kat uses pot as a crutch)...
Anyway...she's not hurt...her car is okay...but the semi-relationship with her and Cheri is pretty much over from what I can tell. (Kathleen and I would probably tie in a contest of relationship-sabotage.) I have yet to talk to Cheri...but I'm just gonna give her the bare basics about Kathleen, and let her make up her own mind. I mean shit...these women are all adults, they can do as they please.
Anywhooo...one weird thing that came out of last night was the fact that Tami "slept" over at Kat's. That just kills me. Kat's been trying to get Tami in bed for years now...and now that she has...she doesn't remember it. Actually that might be a good thing...Tami's just gonna pull her "God told me that if I sleep with women, I'm a bad person" bullshit. I have NEVER encountered such a closet case. Too bad really...Tami would be quite the catch. Especially for Kat...they'd make a good couple...if you take away Kat's weed, and Tami's little God fetish.
Onto my own little freakish love life....When we got home...Whit seemed to be feeling amorous, so we took a shower and got in bed...we talked and stroked and snuggled...but then she decided to go watch TV, and let me get some rest. Ye Gods....thanks for
nothing.
I guess I should be thankful that I had spoken with Mr. Mahoney earlier (whew). Otherwise...I'd probably be in dire straits. I can't believe that I told Darren about him. But in recalling the conversation...one phrase rings so true in me. Darren seemed to be of the belief that my "relationship" (?) with Tim was of the norm for what it is. But I told him that it was different in the...the intensity of the intimacy.
I've rarely felt intensity in anything...much less intimacy. I guess I'm fated to just wonder about how things might have been. Typical, really.
#

( 11:02 AM ) Fat Bitch
Whitney got me half a bike for my Birthday...hooray! Okay...so I paid for the other half...but at least I got it. Now I can ride off some of this excess weight. After all, it's SPRING. Time to work in the yard and play in the great outdoors!!! Hell, we might even plan a camping trip...before it gets too hot.
Saw Dr. Yanez yesterday...talked to him about the PCOS...I asked him to refer me to an endocrinologist. (sp?) I gotta get a grip on this shit....before it gets worse. I've been doing a lot of reading on it. The more I read, the more frightened I become. My best guess is that I've had it since 22...maybe longer than that. I need to know more.
So as soon as that referral is in place...off to another doctor. Jeez....the way I'm going, I'll own half the doctors on the Coast. #

( 11:15 AM ) Fat Bitch
We met Kathleen's new flavor of the week. Cheri seems quite sweet....she's relatively intelligent...has a job, isn't from the South, doesn't know/isn't associated with Debbie, Pam, Danette, Earlene, Caprice, or Glenda, and she even picked up the check. Maybe she's finally found a decent woman. Of course, given Katleen's checkered past and "love em' and leave em' " reputation, there's no telling.
#

( 9:08 AM ) Fat Bitch
Talked to Micky last night. Called to see how he was and if anything new had happened with his divorce proceedings. Charlotte is really screwing him over. I always liked her...but given all that's happened between her and Mick...I don't know whether to dislike her...or applaud her. Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned. Indeed...
I remember getting on my little soap box with Micky, back a couple of years ago...telling him how I felt about infidelity...how wrong it was... how crushing... how destructive. Of course I was primarily referencing all the emotions I had left over from my Mom and Dad's divorce. Of course, not all that long after my speech to Mick on the evils of fucking around...I go out and top him. The equivalent of 4 affairs in 7 months...
Damn. I had myself pretty well fooled that I was looking for excitement in the D/s lifestyle. But it went so much deeper than that. I started therapy to find out the reason that I felt I needed punishment. The outcome is still up in the air for me. I still crave the D/s lifestyle, and desperately want to immerse myself in it fully. To live it, breathe it, eat it, sleep it, etc. But according to psychological mumbo-jumbo...it traces back to my ever increasing search for the next sexual high. Years ago...it would have been nothing to pursue D/s full force...to even jump on a plane to meet Tim...at a moments notice.

How can I miss so desperately, what I never really had? #

( 8:20 AM ) Fat Bitch
Okay...so Whit and I are having sex last night...she tells me she loves me...I tell her that I love her too.

Then she asks if I only said that because we were having sex....how the hell am I supposed to answer that? #

( 7:26 PM ) Fat Bitch
Went out with Kathleen last night. Didn't get home til' six this morning. Not too much happened...drank and goofed off, mostly. But interestingly enough I got some insight into Whitney's mind , via some of her conversations with Kathleen. It hurts a bit that Whitney feels that she can talk to Kathleen about sex, rather than me. But then again...she's so easily embarassed about anything remotely erotic, that I guess talking to Kathleen is better than not talking about it at all.
I am definitely not going to discuss the fact , with Whitney, that Kathleen hit on me.
Given that she has so many trust issues as it is...I can't let her know that one of her best friends wants to be fuck-buddies with me.
Kathleen came down pretty hard on her about being lazy,and non-sexual with me. Funny, and not-so-funny is the fact that sexually speaking, Whitney and I are exact opposites. The whole virgin-whore thing....she being the virgin...me being the whore.
(Ex-whore...more like).
At times I truly wonder why I stay. But then...where would she go, and what would she do? As I was telling Kathleen last night...if I ever do get out of this relationship...I hope to never be in one like it again. I don't do the LOVE thing so well. I'm just not good at it.
You'd think with all the practice I've had....
But seriously...at times, I believe that I'm not capable of such strong emotion. I'm normally so even keeled...nothing rocking my little boat. And love is such a drain.
I can't ever believe that I can let go of my fierce controlling of my own emotions enough to let go. And it seems, that to truly love someone..one has to let go. The only word that comes to mind at the very thought of that kind of release is TERROR. I so dislike feeling responsible for someone elses feelings...and certainly don't trust anyone enough to be responsible for mine.
Oh, yes I do love, in my own weird little way...I love Micky...and I trust him. We have an understanding. I love Tim...but he's safe...by being so far away. I don't have to "let go" for them.
I love Whitney. But ...always the but. BUT...I'm slowly dying in this relationship. I can feel it. But if I let go....and love her the way I should...the way I know I'm supposed to....I feel more and more lost. And if I leave....and if I leave.....well....
At least it's safe here....

#

( 11:58 AM ) Fat Bitch
I guess I dwell too much on the whole addiction thing. In truth, for those not living it, it's very difficult to understand. I mean, hell, who wouldn't want to be addicted to SEX.
But it's not such a great thing in the fact that this addiction has pretty much destroyed every relationship I have been in, not always directly. But definitely.
My suspicions of being addicted, having been confimed in therapy last year, certainly didn't help. Instead of wondering whether or not I had a problem, suddenly, and inescapably becomes...knowing. Knowing that there is something so terribly wrong with me. It just didn't seem real, that other people out there...don't think of sex like I do. That actually truly being in love is not an awful, confining, moodwarping mess that I have come to believe.
There seems to be two sides to me. The side that wants to let it go. To run with all my deviant little impulses. To run amuck in all that is forbidden, abnormal, demoralizing. Then the other side chimes in...like a freaking fucked up fairy godmother. I know that this relationship is a good, strong, secure one. Or it could be...if I could just get my shit together.
I ponder on the rights and wrongs of society. The devilish side, cloaked in red with a teeny tiny pitchfork....tells me that what I do is my business...and as long as I play safely, all is well. I find then, that the emotions involved in physical contact are a hindrance. And I hate being loved, and loving, and all the crap associated with such.
Then the other side...supposedly clad in angel's robes...telling me that I must be strong. I must not give in. Temptation and pursuit are not one in the same. That fucking and loving are not the same. That I am not fodder for the beast that lies within. I will not allow myself to self-destruct.
Every day....Can you imagine? Eating myself from the inside out? Wanting so much to be bad...but equally wanting to be the good little girl I used to be...oh so long ago.
Vivian (ex-therapist) said that I never took the time to mourn the loss of my innocence.
She said that "someone" in my past took away my ability to say NO. I just don't know which "someone" that was. #

( 11:16 AM ) Fat Bitch
Went out last night with the gang from work. We had a pretty good time, despite the drive to Bush, Louisiana. We all ate like little piggies.
May go out with Kathleen tonight. After our last little foray to "Just Us" in Biloxi, I may pass. I trust Kathleen only about halfway...to keep her mouth shut about any minor indiscretions. When we talked about the "affair" from last year...she seemed to be fairly understanding and sided with my reasoning behind it. Of course, she knows only the bare bones of the deal. Nothing about the finer details....and that's the way it will stay.
In truth, the only ones to know of the extent of my infidelity, are Mickey...(best friend), and Tim ...(fantasy man). It ws difficult enough telling Whitney about Will. She didn't leave as I had expected, and half hoped. At times...my ambivalance to this realtionship disturbs me. When we are together, I'm all well and good. Happy, mostly with the security, I guess. But when I'm alone...or out of her "orbit"...my thoughts tend to stray. I can't help but wonder how good it would be to be single again. In some ways I know that if she ever does leave, I have nothing to tether me. Nothing to stop the addiction from going full blown. The way it was before her. The way it was last year...when I was out of control. I can't help wanting to do what comes so naturally. I fight this every day. And sometimes, I just get tired of fighting.

#

( 6:15 PM ) Fat Bitch
AHEM....attention...attention ladies and gentlemen...we would like to direct your attention to a new BLOG. Introducing STINKY PINKY. TA-DA.......
For those of you as pitiful as I, in wanting to know the measly little details of other people's lives, here's mine.
Quick intro....My name is Kim. I'm a 32, (soon to be 33) year old pinkish colored woman, living in the Deep South. I'm a practicing bisexual, embroiled in a nearly 9 year lesbian relationship with my g/f. I am also a certified, diagnosed, and reluctantly treated sexual addict. (yes that's a real addiction...go look it up)
I am so many things really...daughter, grandaughter, best friend, girlfriend, mechanical maintenance mechanic, lazy gardener, sexual submissive, agnostic, avid reader, and oh...the list goes on and on and on.
My sole purpose in beginning this BLOG is to record and review insignificant moments, as well as life altering events that take place day to day. I've always been bad at keeping journals, as I tend to destroy them after a few months in sheer embarrassment at my oh-too-human frailties. This BLOG is a kind of birthday present, as well as a promise to myself. I will write and read and grow....and NOT delete. I feel I need this.

So here it is...for all the world to see. But mostly and mainly for me.
Welcome.
#

Your silence will not protect you (Audre Lord)